Fan Rules

“What do you think we could do to make soccer more interesting?”

“You don’t think it’s interesting? I mean, we are here enjoying one another’s company and fine adult beverages, and watching the game and you are not interested?”

“Dude, I didn’t mean that. I just meant, what if we made some changes.”

“Ah. Like when someone took polo off the horses and put it in the pool?”

“Exactly. We could put soccer in a pool.”

“I think they call that water polo.”

“Mud pit?”

“Maybe. I’ve seen some pretty muddy games.”

“Bubbles. My buddy went to a resort in the Dominican Republic and they were just sitting there and boom, bubble machines turned on and made the whole thing look like it was covered with shaving cream.”

“That has potential. You can color bubbles, right, so you could have the bubbles be in team colors from each side. The players would probably roll with it, but the coaches would be upset if it was really a surprise.”

“How would you get it clean after?”

“Sprayers, like garden hoses or something.”

“It would really slow the game down.”

“You’d have to have it be during like an exhibition game or something where it didn’t really count who won.”

“Ok, so we have bubbles. Is that it?”

“Women’s players in bikinis?”

“That’s sexist. Don’t you remember when Brandi Chastain took off her jersey and that was the only thing they focused on after the win. That would just make soccer more filled with debate, not more interesting.”

“There could be men in swim trunks, too.”

“No. Next.”

“Motorcycles.”

“There you go. Tell me more.”

“You just put every player on a motorcycle. They still follow the same rules, but you play on dirt instead of grass and it’s a lot noisier.”

“Could work. Harley would get into that and sponsor, I’m sure. Or Honda. Wouldn’t it be dangerous.”

“Yes, you’d probably have to replace people who knew only soccer with people who were professional motorcycle racers.”

“How would they kick the ball?”

“With the tires? They could still use their feet, I guess, but tires might be better.”

“You remember that Top Gear episode where they did the tiny cars with the enormous soccer ball playing.”

“Yes, they had like 3 or 4 cars per side.”

“Right. So maybe you’d need to change the ball design for motorcycle soccer.”

“Could you put the ball on a motorcycle?”

“Nah. Unless you had it like Battle Bots where someone actually controlled the ball by remote control and that could be the third team, kind of.”

“That’s two good ideas there. One, Battle Bot soccer. With what you said of the soccer ball being one team and then the other player teams being all remote-controlled robots. Two, three team soccer. You redesign the field to be a sort of triangle with three goals….”

“Yassss. That’s good. I mean, Battle Bots, sure, easy. But three-team would definitely make it more interesting. What other sports have three teams per match?”

“Some have more than three, relay races in track and field, relay races in swimming…”

“Right, smartass, but I mean, there’s no three team baseball or three team hockey.”

“I was just giving you sh*t. This is really brilliant. What do we call it?”

“Triosoccer? Triple soccer? Three-way soccer?”

“Not family friendly the last one.”

“I like Trisoccer. What else is different with it besides the field and the number of teams?”

“The stadiums would all have to be changed. Maybe nothing else other than that.”

“The kickoff might be weird, or unfair.”

“A drone could drop it into the center and then whichever team gets it first gets it first.”

“That’s very techy. Ref could just toss it up like in basketball.”

“Ok. So we’ve invented a more interesting game of soccer. Voila!”

“Voila, indeed!”